Muse Land?
by Shadray
Summary: Complete! A writer is sent to Muse Land, where, yes, all Muses are born. A tour, an adventure, a magical castle, and all that jazz lie within this land. But when illusion turns to reality, what happens?
1. Uh, Plot Hole?

Author's Note- Well, this is a quick, three-chapter story that I came up with, about a sixteen-year-old's adventure on Muse Land. I hope to have this story finished as soon as possible, since it IS only three chapters long. Oh, and also…um…this doesn't have much to do with Final Fantasy, except for the fact that the muses in the story are from Final Fantasy games. Sorry!

This story was original put on my FictionPress account, but I was urged by a friend to put it on here too. This story is pretty much the same as the one on FictionPress, although the muses are different.

Um, we all do know what Muses are, right? Beings who help writers and artists, etc., obtain inspiration? Well, this story features my own four Muses, as well as a made-up protagonist named Ayuno. Hey, I wasn't about to put _myself_ in the story. (glares)

Well, nothing more to say, except please review after reading. It keeps my confidence up and makes me happy—and you all want that, right? (pretends that you said "Yes, of course!" …which you didn't.)

Uh, Plot Hole?- Chapter One

* * *

"You won't get away with this!" the hero snarled between clenched teeth. He attempted to wriggle free—but it was useless. "Urrgh!"

"He's right, Bad Guy! You expect these ropes to stop a powerful magician from destroying you?" The mage mumbled a spell incantation under his breath, ready for the ropes to melt away—but second later, they still remained, strong as ever.

"The antagonist never wins, ya know," the warrior beside them said confidently. "Yer evil reign is over!"

"You stupid fools." Bad Guy pimp-slapped the three across the face. "These ropes were created by a very powerful magic spell. You think you can break through them? Just try."

And try they did. They wiggled and squiggled and made strange noises as if all three of them had gone constipated.

The bad guy, efficiently titled "Bad Guy," grinned maliciously, prodding the heroes with his pitchfork. Tight ropes bound the heroes to separate trees, resulting in their inability to move. They mumbled threats at him, but these were all ineffective, for they couldn't do a thing. The forest in which this was all occurring was miles away from the city; no one would be able to save them. It was hopeless. The Bad Guy cackled mercilessly.

"I know your evil plan! You plan to kill them and take me with you, don't you?" the Mary-Sue questioned indignantly from behind everyone, her hair moving beautifully in the wind. "Well, I shall not go with you! I shall stay strong! I shall support the good guys! You will not take me, oh no! I shall—!"

WHACK.

And just like that, the Mary-Sue fell to the floor, unconscious. Bad Guy was not interested in her; she was too much of ditz. He flung a time-bomb on her chest, which was set to detonate in 60 seconds. This was going just as planned.

"So, you're just going to blow us all up, are you?" the hero asked. He laughed. "You do realize that you'll explode too, right?"

"Of course I won't! I have an escape route!"

Bad Guy turned around and walked behind a tree. When he returned, he was dragging a large, beeping machine behind him with various complex buttons on it.

"Ooooooh…buttons!" The Mary-Sue cheered, becoming conscious once more. "I want to press them all!" She sprang forward to smash all of the buttons in.

But the Bad Guy could not have this; the machine would be ruined if the Mary-Sue did anything to it. For this reason, he picked up the Mary-Sue by the hair and flung her into a faraway tree, which withered and died immediately as she touched it.

"So, what does THAT do, eh? Teleport you to another area?" the hero questioned angrily, still attempting to wriggle free from the robes binding him to the towering tree behind him.

"Why, that's exactly what it does. What are you going to do about it?"

No one had an answer.

"That's what I thought," Bad Guy sneered, walking closer to the machine. "You see, the good guys don't always win. Once I press this button—" He gestured to a large, green button. "—I will be sent back to the city, while you fools remain here, to wait until that bomb detonates. There are thirty seconds left. Just try to escape.

And with that, Bad Guy pressed the button and vanished into thin air.

"Well, this is just great…. What are we going to do, lads?" the warrior asked his companions, wondering if the could ever make it out of this alive.

"I…don't know," the hero admitted. He stared at the ground.

There were 20 seconds left.

Suddenly, the Bad Guy reappeared next to the machine, which still remained where it was. He looked around himself and gaped.

"WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?" the three protagonists shouted in unison, wrinkling their noses in disgust at the evil man before them.

"Hmph. The stupid machine must have malfunctioned…." He peered at it and inspected for a short period of time, during which Mary-Sue came running back to him.

"Hey, that was mean of you, Bad Guy," she stated, folding her arms. "You don't just fling people into trees! It's not natural!" But once she had finished saying this, she had no chance to say anything else, for Bad Guy had already gotten annoyed at her presence and eaten her. He rubbed his stomach satisfyingly before turning back to the machine.

Ten seconds were left.

"Why in the hell is time moving so slow, anyway?" the mage asked suddenly. "It should have been three minutes by now!"

The hero shook his head. "You see, normally it would have been three minutes, but whenever there is a timed event in this world, time either slows down or speeds up. It's for out benefit in this situation, so don't complain."

The mage shrugged. "Whatever you say."

"Problem solved!" The Bad Guy grinned. "Later, losers." He shoved the button, and disappeared for a second time—

—only to reappear again a moment later.

"What is HAPPENING?" he shouted, kicking the machine hard, which only resulted in a terrible pain in his big toe. "The stupid machine must be broken!"

"I told you the bad guy never wins," the hero murmured.

"Oh, shut up."

"Well, what are we going to do now?"

The Bad Guy smiled sheepishly. "…uh, plot hole?"

And with that, everyone blew up.

* * *

"NO!" the author, Ayuno, cried; this just wasn't working. "Sorry everyone, but this just isn't working out. We can't have everyone blow up!"

Cloud frowned. "Why not? What better ending than everyone dying a horrible, fiery death?"

"Actually, there are a lot better endings," Rinoa stated, rolling her eyes at him. "Like people living, for instance?"

Ayuno growled, frustrated that his story was not going to work out the way he'd planned. He had written all that, with The Muses beside him, and now what? He was going to have to start all over again. Ayuno crumbled the paper up in his fist and flicked it toward the trashcan in the corner of the room; it did not land inside the barrel, but instead fell short and landed somewhat in front of the can, among ten other crumpled up pieces of paper.

The paper that he had given life, given color to—was now dead, lifeless, along with all of the other failed attempts at a fantasy story.

…again.

He slowly turned to Tidus and narrowed his eyes. "You know, this is all YOUR fault."

"What! How is it _my_ fault?" the 17-year-old queried incredulously.

"You were the one who gave me the idea for this story! And now—" Ayuno pointed at the clock, which ticked quietly in the corner of room. "—it's midnight, and I can't sleep without getting it down on paper first. Thanks…A LOT."

Tidus grinned. "Well, how can you blame me for such good ideas?"

Auron walked over to him from his previous position leaning against the wall. "If you were smart, you could've given him the story idea in the morning." His penetrating glare eradicated any notion Tidus might have had to argue; he merely blinked and shrugged.

Ayuno sighed. It was no use for them to argue. "Okay, everyone, maybe we should try this one more time."

The four muses exchanged glances; the way this was going, they would all be up until five in the morning, with dark rings around their eyes and terribly irritable tempers.

The fifteen-year-old Ayuno had been a writer, publishing various stories and fan fictions on different websites, including "FanFiction. Net" and "FictionPress. Com" for a couple of years now. A few months after publishing his first few chapters, two odd-looking people appeared in his room—Rinoa and Tidus. They were his muses, they explained, who were people that only he could see. They went on to explain to him that muses were meant to inspire him to write, and, as he soon learned, most or all writers had some.

It had taken a while to get used to—that is, having muses who no one else could perceive. Every once in a while he was caught talking to them out loud, resulting in a few people giving him very disturbed looks and quickly walking away.

Rinoa was a pretty 17-year-old with very dark hair, which was usually allowed to fall freely to her shoulders. Her eyes were of a light chocolate color, and her complexion was a bit light. Tidus, the most lively 17-year-old Ayuno had ever known, was different. Slightly untidy, long, golden hair. He was a tall young man with considerably creative ideas and thoughts, which had actually surprised Ayuno.

A few months after that, another set of muses showed up: Auron and Cloud. This pair was interesting, for Ayuno recognized them immediately from the videogames _Final Fantasy X _and _Final Fantasy VII_, respectively. Both of them were reluctant to explain to him _how_ it was possible for videogame characters to be muses—still, Ayuno managed to live without this knowledge.

"Do…we have to?" Tidus groaned, collapsing in the chair behind him. "Can't we just write an outline, and write the actual story tomorrow? It would make more sense."

The others nodded in agreement.

"Sure, I guess so."

But when his pencil hit paper, Ayuno found that planning an outline led to even more thought and exhaustion, resulting in his nodding off.

_->->-_

"Hey! Wake up!"

Snore…

"Get up!" Someone was shaking him awake.

Snore…

Then, a stronger voice took over and whacked him over the head with the flat side of a blade. "WAKE YOUR LAZY ASS UP," Auron's voice demanded.

"…nyah?" Ayuno gradually opened his eyelids and saw a very disgruntled Muse glaring at him and pointing to the clock, which read 12:45 A.M. "Damn it! How am I supposed to get any sleep with you guys bitchslapping me with a sword every time I try?"

"You weren't SUPPOSED to be sleeping; you were _supposed_ to be writing an outline!" Rinoa, now seated in a rocking chair near the door, pointed out accusingly.

Tidus nodded in agreement. "Besides, if I'm not allowed to go to sleep, damn it, neither are you."

"Urrrggh…. But you guys are supposed to be my _Muses_! Can't you just tell me what to write down? Just this one time? I can't get it done on my own, like usual…right now, my mind is too—"

"Dumb—?"

"Annoying—?"

"Slow—?"

"Tiny—?"

Ayuno grimaced at the four of them. "No! I was going to say tired."

There was a pause. Then Tidus sardonically mumbled, "Oh sure, but _we_ don't get tired, now do we?"

"You _shouldn't._ I mean, what do you do all day? Follow me around; inspire me with story ideas; help me contemplate about the story _plots_; and go visit Muse Land, where you can hang out and relax all day if you want to. What so tiresome in _that_?"

Muse Land, of course, was the birthplace of all Muses, where they resided until they were specifically needed by an author. It was then that the Muse made its way to Earth and personally met said author, destined to stay with him (or her) for the rest of his (or her) lifetime. Naturally, Muses were able to go back and visit Muse Land during their own free time, as it _was_ their own homeland, but no human could enter without the consent of their Muse—if they had one.

"Muse Land isn't as perfect as it may seem," Rinoa protested quietly, shaking the hair out of her face.

"How isn't it?"

"Well, it has its problems just like every other place," she said.

"Like what?"

"Like…things."

"What things?"

"Just THINGS," Tidus said, seemingly very annoyed. "Why, do you think being a Muse is an easier life than being a writer?"

"Well…yeah," he said finally, trying not to sound rude. No one seemed offended, but Tidus pursued the topic.

"Would you like to bet on that?" he asked with a mysterious smirk. Ayuno, who was used to these devious half-smiles, was not intimidated. Surely a human's life was much more difficult than that of a Muse! Er…right?

Believing it was, he said quite clearly, "Yeah, I would."

Immediately Auron grinned. "Well then—you're on," he said cunningly. "Here's what we'll do. We, your Muses, will take you on a—_tour_—of Muse Land for a day." The others looked knowingly at him. "After that time is up, you'll return here, and if you still think your life is harder than ours you win."

_Way too easy, _Ayuno thought.

Rinoa suddenly seemed to be getting interested in this bet. "And to make things interesting," she added, "if you lose, the rest of us get to vacation for a month. And if you win—we'll stay up day and night for the next week to help you perfect all that you write. Deal?"

"Deal." _Suckers. _

And with that, Auron made a gesture with his hand, and a yellow door popped up in the middle of the room. It glowed brightly, like a door to Heaven, and seemed to be highly magical. "What's that?" Ayuno questioned, eyeing it.

"A portal," Auron replied calmly.

Ayuno blinked five times.

"STOP BLINKING!" Tidus boomed, but when Ayuno didn't listen, Tidus made to hit him with the side of his sword. Unfortunately, before he could do this, Tidus stumbled on a marble and fell to the floor, spluttering. Heh. I wonder how it got there… -whistles innocently-

"Well? Are you going in or not?" Auron asked impatiently.

When he hesitated, Auron grabbed him by the ankles and flung him headfirst into the door, which burst open immediately.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" And he landed on his rear on the opposite side of the door, next to his grinning Muses and a sign that read in neat, cursive letters:

_"Welcome to Muse Land."_


	2. Carrying Out the Bet

Nota de Autor

Wow, thanks for the reviews! They were more than I expected, actually ...because I expected none. So thanks! (hands reviewers invisible Gil)

Um...well...er... Here's chapter two! (Curtain opens and chapter 2 walks on stage awkwardly) Oh. Just to let you know, this is the second chapter out of three chapters in this story. Enjoy!

_

* * *

_

Ayuno looked around, expecting an exquisite, wondrous land with meadows and picturesque flowers moving gently in the wind ... but, instead, saw...

What. The. Hell.

...a barren wasteland with tumbleweeds rolling left and right, and very gaunt figures coughing and dying on the ground.

"Welcome to _our_ world," Auron muttered grimly.

Ayuno stared at the dying, skeletal figures on the ground. "...who...are—?"

"Oh, _them_?" Tidus shrugged and placed his hands on his head casually. "Just fellow Muses, famished from lack of food. Nothing special, actually..."

"Nothing _special?_"

"Nnnnope."

"But-but-but-but-but-but-but... I didn't think Muse Land would be like this!" Ayuno exclaimed in dismay, glancing at a particular random Muse who was nastily coughing up blood on the ground. "This is just..." He wrinkled his nose.

"Well, this _is_ Muse Land," Rinoa sighed, running a hand sadly through her shimmering black hair. "It never _used_ to be this way, of course... But with the plague, and all...things have changed." She paused. "You know what this means, don't you?"

Tidus nodded. "Yep! No more blitzball for _me_."

This, unfortunately for his left cheek, earned him a rightful slap. "_No_," Rinoa corrected him, "I was _going_ to say that it means that if someone doesn't do something to stop it, the entire Muse population will...die out, sooner or later."

"... and I guess it also means I can't participate in any more orgies for a while..." Cloud mumbled lowly.

"Well, at least, no more _public_ ones," Tidus muttered, equally as lowly. Lucky for everyone's sanity, no one was able to hear those comments, for they had spoken much too quietly.

Ayuno stayed on the matter at hand. "But...this place...!" _This is...terrible! _"What happened to it?" he asked, horrified. "A _plague_, you said?"

"That would be it," Auron said darkly. "Before getting into any details we should show you around, so you can see things for yourself."

"...AND so we can win that _bet_," Tidus murmured. "So, you ready?"

"Uh, not really... I didn't know—"

"Great! Then we'll lead you to the first stop." And with that, Tidus, from behind, shoved him forward while Rinoa took the liberty of leading the way. Ayuno was already beginning to wonder if, compared to the tragedy going on in _this_ world, the bet he had made was even significant at all.

_->->-_

" _That_ is the local strip bar," Tidus indicated, pointing at a small building with a sign of flashing lights that read "_STRIP BAR" _in huge, bold letters. "I go there often." As Ayuno raised his eyebrows, Tidus added, "And Rinoa strips there."

SMACK.

Tidus bellowed in agony at the pain he had just received from Rinoa, who had, once again, bitchslapped him silly.

"Don't listen to him, he's just vengeful because he "n Final Fantasy X," she said truthfully, causing Tidus to mutter incoherently about how much he disliked the ending to that particular game. "But anyway, you don't want to go in that strip bar."

"Why not?" Ayuno wasn't liking this.

"The plague kills off most of the Muses who go in there these days. All you'll see in there is a group of moldy corpses piled on top of each other that nobody bothered to dispose of." Rinoa shook her head sadly. "Quite sad, really."

Ayuno stared at her with bulging eyes that looked like they were about to pop out of their sockets. He didn't quite know what to say about this.

"...we're continuing," Cloud mumbled, leading the group on, and ignoring the various people sprawled out on the ground dying. They came to a large structure labeled "GYM", and halted.

"Uh...can we go in?" Ayuno asked, fearing what the answer might be. What much damage had the plague caused? He didn't know, but he no longer cared about the bet he had made; compared to _this_, the bet was immaterial.

"No." Auron peered down at the writer, who raised his eyebrows expectantly. "The people in this gym had the same fate as those at the bar."

"Then—where are all the people who _haven't_ been affected by the plague?"

There was a short silence. Then—

"You're looking at them."

Ayuno gaped at the older man, who nodded truthfully. Was Auron suggesting that the only people who hadn't been affected by the disease going around—were Ayuno and his four Muses? How was that possible? _What the hell is going on?_ he wondered.

Auron, who seemed to have sensed his question, responded, "There aren't any Muses who stay in Muse Land anymore, unless they've been affected by the plague."

"Wh- Why not?"

"Because if they _did_," Rinoa murmured, "they would catch the disease _too_."

Ayuno narrowed his eyes. "What IS the disease, anyway! Where the hell did it _come_ from in the first place?"

Rinoa sighed. "Well... You see, Muse Land was created by a man named Roland The Creator. We think—"

" _Roland The Creator_?" Ayuno echoed incredulously. "Who...the HELL is THAT?"

"He's the only writer in the world to have such a tremendously large imagination that he was able to use it to create a real land. He imagined a world full of creative and inventive people called Muses who helped inspire human writers to create stories."

Tidus's eyes bulged. "That's just like how Dream Zanarkand was made!"

"_Shut up _and let her finish," Cloud growled lowly, brandishing his overly large Buster Sword. Tidus didn't interrupt again.

"Well," she continued, "Roland The Creator has, up until now, kept Muse Land in check by continually dreaming up new Muses to live in his land... You see, whenever Roland imagined something, it came to life in an instant; his imagination was just that strong. But—"

"There are huge disadvantages for having that ability," Auron finished for her. "We believe that The Creator may have somehow started to believe that he was ill with a fatal disease."

"Yep," Tidus took over. "And, even though he probably didn't really have a fatal disease, he still _thought_ he did. And since everything he imagines suddenly becomes real, his imagination created the very disease he thought he had. And the disease spread among the people of Muse Land, causing The Plague."

Ayuno blinked twice.

"Let me get this straight: You're trying to tell me—that this whole plague started because of some guy who THINKS he has a deadly disease, but really DOESN'T? And since he THINKS he has a deadly disease, his imagination makes it come TRUE?"

"Yep!"

"What is it?"

Ayuno took in a deep breath, exhaled, and shouted, "_THAT'S THE DUMBEST PIECE OF CRAP I'VE EVER HEARD!"_

Tidus went deaf in one ear.

"Well, that's just _our_ theory!" Rinoa declared. "You don't have to believe it!"

"How CAN I? A guy created Muse Land with his imagination, and then later created a _plague_ with his imagination TOO? What the hell?"

"She _said_ it was just a theory," Auron said sharply.

"Right. Can we leave now?" Cloud inquired indifferently.

"NO!" everyone screamed.

Auron held his hand to indicate to everyone that it was time to shut the hell up and let him speak. When silence ensued, he spoke. "There is a knowledgeable sorceress in this vicinity; we shall consult her about this. She may know more about the plague, if you are interested."

Ayuno mulled it over. He realized that if his Muses stayed much longer in Muse Land, they would soon be vulnerable to the plague just like all of the other Muses. And if all the Muses in Muse Land died out—all of the decent writers of FanFiction .Net would stop getting inspiration to update their stories!

_AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_

The mere thought of that compelled him to attempt to find out more about the plague, and learn how to stop it...if it COULD be stopped. He was _not_ going to let a Creator's imagination cause a _fake_ plague to spread everywhere... Because if it _did_...there would be no more Muses... No more inspiration to update fanfictions... No more reviews... No more staying up all night long to finish reading _Gladiator_ by Anasazi Darkmoon... And no more incoherent babbling from Shadray. _Oh _hell_ no, _he thought. _We're going to have to stop this thing...now._

Ayuno cleared his throat.

"Alright then. Let's visit this 'Sorceress' of yours."

* * *

Ayuno squinted at the horrendously petite figure standing before him, after expecting to see an elegant edifice somewhat resembling a castle or some other royal building. Quite the contrary, however, the structure in front of him resembled more of a...cottage. Nothing special, nothing attractive. And _definitely_ nothing worth describing, or looking at for more than five seconds.

"This is... the sorceress's house?" he asked, turning to face Auron, who harrumphed in reply. "I guess so, then."

"What were you expecting? A _castle_?" Auron raised his eyebrows, chuckling. "The title 'sorceress' does not mean 'queen'. You would do well to remember that. You're lucky we even _found_ this place."

"Hn," Cloud remarked.

"Who _is_ this sorceress, anyway?" Ayuno asked, running a hand through his hair.

Rinoa frowned. "How are _we_ supposed to know? She doesn't exactly make herself well known around here. We know no more than you do."

"Five bucks says she's ugly," Tidus put in.

Cloud raised his eyebrows and smirked. "More than _you_?"

"No, not more than me! Uh—I mean, YES! MORE THAN ME! Er—I mean—"

"Can we just go IN?" Ayuno screamed, and Rinoa nodded with agreement while Tidus muttered angrily under his breath.

Ayuno approached the door to the house and hesitated, glancing momentarily at the yawning Cloud, the fuming Tidus, the eye-rolling Rinoa, and the harrumphing Auron. _What a lovely group we are. _He shook his head pityingly, turned back, and rapped hard on the door—one time—two times—three—

**"WHO'S-THERE?"** a sudden voice boomed frantically, speaking so rapidly that the words sounded merged as one.

He stumbled. What the hell kind of woman was this? "Er..."

"Nevermind, I'll find out my damn self." There was a pause. "AND DON'T TOUCH THOSE COOKIES! BACK—AWAY! _ALFFRED! GET THE DAMN HELL—_ Thank you. Now—go sit on the couch while I answer whoever this damn person is at the door."

Ayuno exchanged looks with the others.

The door cracked open a bit, and a woman's head poked out. She seemed to be indeed elderly, as her wrinkles and stringy, nasty grey hair clearly showed. Her dark, seemingly bottomless eyes leered sharply at the five people before her, who looked at each other awkwardly.

"Well?" she snapped irritably. "What do you want? Have you come to scream at this poor old innocent woman, too? Have you come to yell and shout at her for starting everything? I _WON'T_ HAVE IT! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

Tidus looked around and raised his eyebrows. "We were never _in_ your house, old lady."

The old hag thrust out her hand, grabbed Tidus by the hair, and ripped it all out.

"HOLY SH—" Tidus clutched at his golden hair and screamed to the skies. "MY HAIR!"

"And the next time you talk back to me, boy, I'll rip your _pubic_ hairs out as WELL. Now, who the hell are you little miscreants!"

Tidus cringed.

"Er—" Ayuno smiled mechanically, nervous as hell. "We—we didn't want to cause any trouble, we just— Well, we knew a sorceress lived somewhere nearby here, and—"

Her eyes flashed dangerously, causing a chill to run down Ayuno's back.

"And WHAT? Just like all the other Muses, wanting magical help for all their pitiful problems. Yes, I may be a sorceress, but I DO have dignity, self-respect, and the ability to kick your ASS. Now get the HELL out!"

"WE WERE NEVER _IN!_" Tidus boomed angrily, apparently pissed at having his hair ripped out by an old hag with what looked like a mop for hair.

"_That's IT!_"

The sorceress reached out a hand at Tidus, aiming at the place where the sun don't shine, attempting to carry out her threat about ripping off his—

"_AHHH!"_ Tidus scrambled out of her reach. "Alright, alright! Sorry! We're only here to know about the plague!"

She froze. "You want to hear about the...plague?"

"Um..." Rinoa raised her hand timidly. "Miss? We—er—haven't been told much about what's happened to cause all this mayhem, and—well, we knew about your being a sorceress and all—"

"SO WHAT? SORCERESSES DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING!"

"We don't want to cause any trouble," Ayuno assured her. "But...no one's doing anything about all the deaths, and...we want to know if they can be stopped."

That stopped her for a moment. The elderly sorceress pensively narrowed her eyes at Ayuno and his four Muses, and then nodded once. "Very well. Come in."

Slowly, the group followed her inside the hut, and, hurriedly, the woman slammed the door behind them and locked all of its seven locks.

Auron eyed the place warily. There was one lonesome chair sitting in the middle of the hut, and a thick book of spells lying on the floor. "Do you have other company?"

"_Yeah!_ We heard you screaming at some _guy_ before we came in," Tidus agreed. "Who else is here?"

"No one."

Cloud folded his arms darkly. "Then who were you talking to?"

"I said _no one!_ No one was here when— ALFRED!" She whipped around and stared at an empty space angrily. "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH THOSE COOKIES! BACK AWAY!" Pause. "Good. Now go back to your room."

Ayuno raised his eyebrows. Was this woman mad? First off, there _was_ no other room in this place. And second, as far as Ayuno could tell, there was no one else in the hut other than him, his Muses, and the sorceress. Who was this Alfred person? "Um... Who are you talking to, ma'am?"

She glanced at him, as if wondering what the hell was wrong with him. "What are you talking about? No one is here but us!" She whipped around again. "ALFRED! IF YOU DON'T WALK BACK INTO YOUR DAMN ROOM, I'M GOING TO BEAT YOUR ASS _HARDER_ THIS TIME." She waited for a second, and then relaxed. "...good! Thank you, dear!"

Ayuno, Auron, Rinoa, Cloud, and Tidus exchanged glances.

"Rrriiiiight..." Tidus leaned in toward Ayuno and made a sniffing gesture, obviously suggesting that the sorceress was on drugs.

Rinoa shot him a disgusted look and rolled her eyes. "Anyway... Like we said, we didn't mean any harm or anything, but—well—"

"I know you didn't. I believe you," she replied. Then the sorceress grimaced. "Unlike _some_ people. How dare those rude little children teepee this house, thinking it was _me_ who caused that damn plague! They're lucky I didn't have my spell book with me, or I'd have set them on fire. HAH! HAH HAH HAH! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" The sorceress began to cackle maniacally, as her head twitched to the side, and one of her eyes looked upward at the ceiling while the other looked downward at the floor.

Ayuno stared in horror. _She IS crazy!_

Then—the woman went back to normal, smiling sweetly at everyone as if nothing happened.

"Cookie?" she offered cheerfully, magically conjuring a tray of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, and holding it out for everyone to eat.

But no one moved an inch. They were too busy staring at her with widened eyes, thinking, _What the HELL?_

"Um, ma'am?" Rinoa said nervously. "Are you alright?"

"Yes, dear, I'm fine! Why do you ask?" the sorceress questioned, tilting her head to the side. The cookies vanished in a sudden wisp of smoke.

Was she this sweet before? Ayuno had previously thought she was a grumpy, snappish woman with little tolerance for people. But now—she seemed like a kind, sweet grandma. _Eugh..._ Ayuno shuddered.

"Well, just a moment ago," Rinoa explained to the woman, "you were... twitching and jerking, and foaming at the mouth and all... And—I think you may have been talking to an imaginary friend named Alfred. But now..." She trailed off. "Is everything okay?"

The sorceress's eyes widened dramatically, as if she just realized something horrible. "Oh, dear..." She gulped. "If what you say is true, dear, it means...the plague is getting to me. I've...caught the disease."

"What are you talking about?" Tidus asked, completely confused. "What is going ON?"

The sorceress sighed. "I apologize. I realize you're all confused. I suppose I should start off by telling you about the plague, shouldn't I? Well...as you know, the plague started all because of a man named Roland the Creator.

"You see, Roland's imagination was so strong that whenever he imagined something, it came true. For example, Muse Land was created when Roland the Creator imagined a world where creatures called Muses resided. And now, Roland the Creator has unknowingly created the plague; he thought he had a fatal disease that would kill him in a matter of days—or even hours—but, in reality, he was perfectly fine. But since he _thought_ he had such a disease, his imagination _created_ it, just like his imagination created Muse Land and all of the Muses who live in it. So, the disease, which was now _real_, ended up spreading to all of Muse Land. And thus, the plague was born."

Ayuno's mind was racing. Wasn't that the same explanation his Muses had given him, earlier? They couldn't _both_ be making this up, right? Why _would_ they?

"Well, we already knew _that_. But... that still doesn't explain why you were twitching and jerking and talking to imaginary people," Tidus pointed out.

"Actually...it does. You see, I now realize...that I have caught the disease. It is a disease that affects you mentally and emotionally, and then slowly begins to affect you physically, until you are coughing so much that you can't breathe, and you die. Since I guess I've only _recently_ caught the disease, I've only been affected by it _mentally and emotionally_...so far."

Ayuno gawked. "Ohhh... You mean you were acting all weird—because of the _disease_?"

"Yes, my dear: It caused my personality to change dramatically. For example, I don't normally see imaginary things, and I'm not quite insane enough to twitch like that... so it must've been the disease kicking in."

"So—_this—_is the real you?" Rinoa asked.

"Yes, my dear," the woman said. "This is the _real_ me. Oh! I haven't even told you my name, have I? You may call me Sorceress Qualma." She smiled and shook the hands of everyone in the room.

Tidus ran a hand through his hair. "Wow... Wait—but you _knew_ about the plague going around! So why didn't you leave Muse Land, to avoid catching the disease, and...eventually...dying?"

Qualma sighed heavily.

"Well, if you must know," she said, "I didn't leave Muse Land...because I knew you five would be arriving here soon. I was expecting you."

_So, she's a stalker, AND a maniac..._ Ayuno thought.

"No, I'm not either one of those things, dear."

He jumped. What the—? Did she just—? "You can read _minds_ TOO?" he said, starting to grow a bit creeped out.

"Yes, dearie. I can do many things with the use of magic that others cannot. That's why I am a Sorceress, obviously," she stated bluntly. "That's how I knew that you five would be coming here today."

"There's no time for such conversation," Auron cut in. "We must know how to stop this plague from killing off all the Muses, and we must know now. Can you tell us what we can do?"

Ayuno agreed. "He's right... How are we going to stop the plague?"

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well... The solution is both simple and difficult," Sorceress Qualma stated. "It is simple because all you have to do is enter the castle of Roland the Creator, and convince him—somehow—that you've come up with a cure for his 'disease.' If you do that, he'll _believe_ he's cured, and his imagination will _make_ him cured."

"OH, I get it! So...we're going to end the plague the same way it started: through Roland the Creator's imagination!" Tidus exclaimed, proud of himself for figuring it out.

"Yeah...!" Ayuno stood up, thinking. "If we get some grass or something, and lie to him and convince him that it's magical grass that will heal his disease, his imagination will make the grass _actually_ a _real_ cure to the disease! And then we can distribute the grass to everyone in Muse Land, and they'd all be cured!"

"Precisely." Qualma nodded. "But, unfortunately, the mission will be difficult because...Roland the Creator does not like company. So, there are various traps in his castle that will attempt to prevent you from reaching him...by killing you."

"WHAT?" Tidus, Rinoa, Ayuno, Cloud, and Auron all shouted as once, dismayed.

"Yes, my dears. It is true. So—you'll have to be adequately garbed, with adequate weapons and such... Because Roland lives on the top floor of the castle. On all of the other floors, there is something there to spite you and prevent you from continuing."

Ayuno furrowed his brow. According to this woman, he'd be putting his life—and his Muses' lives—at stake by going into Roland's castle. Was it worth it? He wasn't about to kill himself for no reason. "And what if we decide _not_ to risk out lives by going to the Creator's castle, _then_ what?" he asked the sorceress, who laughed heartily.

"Well, then I would have to kill you. But you will find," she said, "that I won't have to do that."

"And why not?"

"Oh, no reason. Except the fact that you have all already caught the disease, and will die in a matter of hours if you don't get a cure."

"What?" Ayuno snapped. "What are you talking about? We just _got_ here; we haven't had any contact with anyone who has the disease! How could we have caught it?"

Silence.

Then—

"Um, Ayuno?"

Rinoa had leaned in to whisper to him. "Erm... We _have_ had contact with someone who has the disease..." she told him. She pointed to the sorceress. "_Her._"

"...holy crap, she's RIGHT!" Tidus gasped.

"So, yes, I'm terribly sorry for giving you this fatal disease, my dears," Qualma said calmly. "In a couple of hours, it will kick in. I apologize with all my heart, truly, I do...but—I'm afraid it was the only way to know for sure that you five would attempt to cure the disease."

But she did not sound sorry at all.

Ayuno exchanged glances with his Muses, who were equally as dismayed as he was.

"Fine," he said. "We'll go. But if we don't come out of it alive, we're coming back here to kick your ass."

_->->-_


	3. The Castle of Muse Land

Author's Note-

Er... hi. I've been away on vacation for a while, so I wasn't able to update. This story was only supposed to have three chapters...but unless you had any particular interest in reading a chapter with 11,000 words (27 pages), you should be glad that I separated it into two different chapters. Please enjoy!

_IMPORTANT:_

In order for you to completely understand the ending of this fic, you're going to want to make sure you remember what happened in the short story that Ayuno was writing at the very beginning of Chapter 1. You know: The one with "Bad Guy," "Mary-Sue," "the mage," "the hero," and "the warrior." If you don't remember what I'm talking about (because I've taken forever to update since then), do yourself a favor and skim that part again. And also, please, after you read that (if you needed to), please quickly read about 6 or 7 paragraphs after that too.

Otherwise, when you read the end of this story, you're seriously going to be like, _"W.T.F.?"_

Oh...and I just now realized that Rinoa in this story is _extraordinarily_ OOC. Oh well, I like her better this way.

Tidus: And ... holy HELL. He's actually going to finish a fic!

Auron: And it only took him...a year and four months.

...(chases them off stage)

----

_Muse Land, Chapter 3: Roland the Creator  
_

Cloud looked down at his defensive apparel in disgust. And with good reason, too, for the attire was unpleasantly reminiscent of armor from the medieval days, and it clanged boisterously with every movement made. "What—the _hell_—is this?" he grumbled crossly.

"Yeah—and why does it have coffee stains?" Tidus added, gesturing to an unnaturally large area of his armor that had a dark, dried yellowish-brown spot.

"You know very well that Sorceress Quina said we have to wear this equipment to protect us from evil things in the castle!" Rinoa reminded the both of them, flipping her hair girlishly. "Oh, and er... That's not a coffee stain, Tidus."

"Huh? Then—what is it?"

"Pee!" Cloud said joyfully.

Tidus bellowed and ripped off his armor so fast off his body that it seemed as if he had suddenly decided to strip for the homeless. He whipped out a catapult from nowhere, and catapulted his uriny armor into the Heavens above.

"Thank God" he grumbled, apparently glad he had gotten the attire far away from him.

Unfortunately, God, who was not particularly fond about being sent uriny clothing, angrily catapulted it right back _to _him, and when he saw the pair of flying yellowish-brown armor coming back at him, Tidus's eyes bulged so wide out of their sockets that the others thought he had just sprouted two large white breasts. He screamed and ran in frantic circles until the clothing connected unpleasantly with his body, at which point there was a massive explosion of body particles, and—

"_Ayuno_? Are you okay?" someone asked.

Ayuno blinked twice, and snapped out of his reverie.

----

"Oh...right," he said, glancing sidelong at Tidus and wishing his violent reverie about Tidus blowing up had been true. But, unfortunately, it wasn't. (For the seventeenth time in the past three minutes.)

Ayuno and his four Muses had been journeying to the castle of the Creator, and, as in Ayuno's daydream, they were being forced to wear protective clothing, which was remarkably useless. In Ayuno's opinion there were much better ways to spend one's time than wearing this crap, such as bathing in pineapples, viciously scraping a blackboard with your nails, or munching on newborn bunnies.

All of which, secretly, were daily routines for Tidus.

Sorceress Qualma had sent them off a few minutes ago to save Muse Land from being completely corrupt by the plague, and Ayuno, who was _not in the least way_ disappointed about leaving, was the first to get as far away from her as possible; he was worried that Sorceress Qualma might have some _other_ contagious diseases up her sleeve. After all, if she had happily given him a deadly disease from a plague, what _else_ might she give him? _AIDS_?

Of course, Tidus, who had had to linger there for an extra fifteen minutes in order to use the bathroom before leaving, was left behind. Ayuno shuddered to think of the foul, repulsive things the Sorceress may have done to Tidus while he was alone in the house with her... _In fact, _Ayuno thought, he_ might have AIDS now..._

But nevertheless, here they all were now, marching happily to Roland the Creator's castle, all in once piece.

—_So far, _Ayuno added darkly.

"... _tell_ me we're close..." Tidus was dragging his feet against the ground with each step. "My legs are ready to fall off..." he panted, now clutching Ayuno's shoulder and leaning heavily on it. "How long have we been _walking_ for?"

"This would be the sixth minute," Auron said dryly.

"... oh," Tidus muttered, performing the notorious anime sweat-drop.

Ayuno, Cloud, and Rinoa exchanged looks...but pressed on nonetheless. However—to Ayuno's utter displeasure—sixty seconds later, Tidus found the urge to ask again.

"Er, Auron?" he said, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. "_Now_ how long have we been walking for?"

Auron side-glanced him for a moment, and replied slowly, "...this... would be the _seventh_ minute, Tidus."

Ayuno, Cloud, and Rinoa exchanged looks once more—although this time, the expressions on their faces were understandably much more aggravated. And once again they pressed on, ignoring Tidus's intermittent whines/complaints and Auron's irritated replies/retorts, which all could be summed up with:

"_Now_ how long have we been walking for, Auron?"

"... This would be the _eighth_ minute."

"..._Now_ how long have we been walking for?"

"This would be the _ninth_ minute..."

"...NOWhow long have we been walking for?"

"...This...would be...the _tenth_...minute...Tidus..."

"..._NOW_ how long have we been walking for?"

"………………………………………"

"**_NOW _**HOW LONG—?"

**_"SHUT THE BLAZING HELL UP!"_**

But, of course, Tidus kept at it. And by the tenth time Tidus had asked, the intervals in-between his questions were becoming shorter and shorter—until Ayuno angrily picked up a stick from the ground and smashed it against the back of his head, resulting in Tidus doubling over, unconscious.

"Finally..." Rinoa grunted. Cloud nodded silently.

Auron—who was, arguably, the strongest in the group—took the liberty of seizing Tidus by the legs and bodily dragging his sorry ass behind him.

Roundly twenty minutes later (twenty minutes of utter, complete, soothing silence, might I add), Tidus reawakened (after which, that silence was violently eradicated, might I also add). Luckily, however, before anyone had the chance to hurriedly knock Tidus out again, a tremendously large structure loomed into view.

"Wh- What the—?" Ayuno gaped at the thing. "What is that?"

"_...the Castle_," Auron muttered.

Ayuno had to slant his neck at a ridiculous angle in order to see to the top of the castle—and even _then_ he could only see part of it; the building was so vast that it seemed as if his peripheral vision could not sight it all at once.

The first thing he noticed was the fact that the castle seemed to be separated into three sections, all of which were elegantly built, with what looked like columns of diamond rising out in front of their entrances. Also, Ayuno noticed, directly in front of the castle was what looked disappointingly like a metal gate to keep out intruders. And that, unfortunately, was also the _last_ thing he noticed, for he was suddenly distracted by a boisterous, screeching—

"_WELCOME TO THE OFFICIAL CASTLE OF ROLAND, THE CREATOR OF MUSE LAND, YOU BITCHES AND HOES!"_

Everyone looked hastily around, ready to beat down whoever had just called them bitches and hoes.

But—they saw nothing.

"Wait—that thing—look at _that_!" Tidus said, pointing to a...thing.

Ayuno looked.

"Erm... is that supposed to BE something?" he questioned.

"Probably."

"Ugh. I don't see anything!" Rinoa whined unhappily, and Cloud and Auron were silent.

"Look closer!" Tidus said, and Rinoa attempted to. "No, not over _there_, over HERE!" Rinoa moved to the left and looked. "No, CLOSER!" Rinoa growled irritably and moved as close as possible as she could get to the ground without her nose bumping into it.

"Ohhhh!" she cried suddenly, pointing at the thing. "If you tilt your head to the right a little, squint with one eye, close the other, hop on one foot, and blink 3.14 times at a rate equivalent to the value of pi, you can ALMOST see it!"

"Hey, she's right," Cloud put in, unexpectedly.

Everyone glared at him, wondering why the hell he was speaking, when he hadn't done so much as said one word throughout the rest of this chapter.

Hurriedly saying something, so as to not to let this awkward moment in the story cause any valuable readers to click the "Back" button on their Internet Explorer browsers, Auron asked, "_Well?_ What _is_ that thing?"

Ayuno blinked a couple of times, and recognized it as what looked like a mini recording device. _Oh... _he thought, feeling stupid._ And _we_ thought it was a real person..._ Apparently Roland the Creator either had a sense of humor, or he was an old hag.

"Um..." Rinoa said awkwardly, speaking directly into the thing. "Hello...? May we please enter the Castle and speak with Roland?" Then, she added, "And... may I also ask who I'm speaking with _now_? Just a bit curious, really..."

Cloud rolled his eyes.

But, surprisingly, the device responded back.

"This is a magical device, my sweets; you aren't actually talking with anyone alive. I'm nothing but a piece of metal given the ability to talk, by a magical spell. And, to answer your first question, in order to enter the Castle and see Roland the Creator, you must first answer my riddle."

"Oh, God," Tidus mumbled.

"Get it over with," Auron said. Ayuno nodded agreeingly.

"What if we answer incorrectly?" Rinoa asked worriedly. "Will the gate still open? And if we _do_ answer right, what happens?"

The device growled. "_Look._ If you answer _right_, you are allowed to enter the castle and use the elevator to get to the top floor, where you will be able to speak to Roland. There will be nothing to bar your path, or to stop you from reaching him— _Nothing._ However, if you answer _wrong_, you will be _forced_ to leave this place forever. No returning here—ever—or Roland will personally destroy you."

Rinoa gulped.

"Well... okay. Shoot."

The device cleared its throat dramatically. "Ahem...

_"I am the black child of a white father,  
a wingless bird,  
flying even to the clouds of heaven.  
I give birth to tears of mourning in pupils that meet me,  
even though there is no cause for grief,  
and at once on my birth I am dissolved into air. _

_What am I?"_

There was silence.

Ayuno narrowed his eyes in thought, wondering what the thing could be. The black child of a white father? A wingless bird? He didn't get it. Thinking deeper, he continued to analyze each line of the riddle, until he could reword it into something he could easily interpret. His new version of the riddle was:

"_I am dark-colored, although I come from something light.  
Without wings, I still fly in the sky.  
Most people who see me end up crying,  
even though there's nothing sad about it,  
and the second I was born, I floated into the skies above._

_What am I?"_

He considered for a moment. And then—

"I GOT IT! I GOT IT!" Tidus said.

_"Well?"_ the magical device spat. "You've already had enough time to think it out; if you think you know the answer, spit it out."

"No we haven't!" Rinoa returned, looking innocent. "You only gave us forty seconds!"

"AND THAT'S PLENTY. NOW, ON WITH IT."

But while all this was going on, Ayuno was still thinking. _Something dark that comes from something light, and floats in the sky... People cry when they see it... _

_Something like—smoke?_

"I think I know the answer too..." he muttered.

Auron looked from Ayuno to Tidus, and said, "Then you two should compare answers, before saying it aloud."

Tidus shook his head. "Nahh. I know _I'm_ right!" He drew him self up importantly, and cried out into the magical device, "THE ANSWER IS—"

"_TIDUS, NO!_"

"—TOOTHPASTE!"

Ayuno's jaw dropped to the floor and stayed there. "_WHAT?"_

_"TIDUS, YOU IDIOT!" _Cloud barked.

"_How could you get TOOTHPASTE_? THE ANSWER WAS _SMOKE_!"

Tidus grinned. "No, think about it! Toothpaste can be dark-colored AND light-colored! AND, if you _throw _it far enough, it can fly into the sky! And people DO cry when they see flying toothpaste, because they think the _world_ is going to end! It all makes sense, doesn't it?"

The magical device cackled and giggled so hard that it vibrated on the ground.

"That answer... is horribly, horribly, horribly, horribly _WRONG!_" it bellowed, and immediately there was a loud locking noise coming from the gate, a malevolent roll of thunder and a flash of lightning coming from nowhere, and the clouds above the skies slowly turned grey and ominous, joining together to form what looked appallingly like a massive cumulonimbus cloud.

"Holy...crap..." was the only thing Tidus could utter.

Rinoa looked around, gaping at the sudden malicious surroundings. "Oh, dear..."

"Yep!" the magical thing cried joyfully. "The answer was _smoke_, not toothpaste, blondie. And now I'm going to have to either ask all of you or _force_ all of you to leave."

"But _I_ said smoke!" Ayuno protested angrily. "Shouldn't that count for _anything_? Can't you still let us in?"

" 'fraid not. That blond idiot over there said 'toothpaste' _before_ you said 'smoke,' so his answer counts."

"Oh, come on!" Rinoa was on the ground, pleading with all her might. "Just this one time? Have a heart, and let us in! We're only doing this for the good of Muse Land!"

"Sorry. Rules are rules," the magical thing giggled. "Now, please leave, before I am forced to destroy you all." It giggled some more, as if it was having the time of its life.

"No...the device is right," Auron said, sounding almost sorrowful. "We must follow its rules; we lost, fair and square. We must be respectful of the Creator Roland, and leave while we can."

Everyone stared at him in complete disbelief.

"Well...I guess he's probably right..." Cloud muttered, catching Auron's eye. He began to lead the way out.

"...fine." Rinoa sighed, got up off the ground, and followed. But Tidus and Ayuno stared at each other, not believing what they were hearing. They were _giving up_? _Hell_ no.

"Are you _kidding_ me? After all this, you're turning—?"

But then Ayuno caught Auron's eye as well, and and he suddenly understood. "Actually, I guess you're right, Auron..." he said, and followed them out. "Come on, Tidus, we're leaving."

"Oh...! Well...alright then..." Tidus said, after studying the expressions on the others' faces, and catching on.

"_Good_! You're leaving _willingly_!_"_ the magical device said happily, from behind them. And, seeing that they were going to leave peacefully, it stopped the raging storm. The malevolent clouds in the sky disappeared. The crackling thunder and lightning died out, and a blue sky filled the atmosphere once again. Everything was back to normal, as if nothing had ever happened.

Then—

_"NOW!" _Auron cried.

Auron, Ayuno, Tidus, Rinoa, and Cloud all whipped around and sprang to the castle gates.

"HEY! YOU BITCHES! YOU HOES! YOU CRAPS! _YOU TRICKED ME! YOU'RE GOING TO BREAK INTO THE CASTLE!" _the device boomed from behind them, and immediately there was another crack of thunder, and the storm was brought back.

Without looking back, Ayuno ran up to the castle gate and scrambled to climb over it. Once he was at the top, he leapt forward, and continued to sprint like hell toward the castle.

"HURRY!" he heard Tidus shout from behind him. "TORNADO COMING!"

"A _WHAT_?" Rinoa screamed, looking back. And the next thing Ayuno heard from her was, "OH MY _GOD!"_

Ayuno took a fleeting glance behind him and saw what Rinoa was screaming about: The storm that the magical device had created was now issuing a funnel-shaped gust of wind and dirt beneath it. Slowly, it began to reach the ground until Ayuno felt a sudden burst of wind attempting to draw him in. _The storm had produced a tornado._

"_DON'T LOOK BACK!" _came Auron's booming voice from somewhere behind him. _"KEEP RUNNING!"_

Ayuno tried. With a forced burst of energy he began to leap forward several feet with each long stride he took, running against the ridiculously high-speed winds of the storm. But he could sense the tornado slowly approaching, and as it did, its winds jerked him about with more and more intensity. It was all he could do to resist being pulled in. He knew no one would be able to resist the tornado for long, before it propelled them into the sky. In fact, if it weren't for the incalculably heavy armor that Sorceress Qualma had forced him to wear, he most likely would have been picked up by the storm already. But luckily, the extra weight of the armor kept him (and the others) on the ground.

—_for now..._

_"RAM STRAIGHT INTO THE CASTLE WALLS!"_ he cried behind him, hoping the others could hear.

"WHAT? ARE WE BREAKING THROUGH IT?" Cloud's rarely-heard voice screamed.

"WE'LL _HAVE_ TO!" Auron barked.

Without daring to slow down, Ayuno slammed his body mightily into the wall of the castle—and it did no damage. He backed up a few yards and tried it again and again, hoping that his bulky armor could penetrate the wall's defenses and get him into the castle, but—

_BAM._

Auron had come up next to him, crashing his own hefty body against the wall—followed by Cloud, Tidus, and Rinoa. And—was it just him, or did Ayuno see a small crack in it?

_"AGAIN!"_

They repeated the process once more, but found it harder this time, for the tornado was not very far away. The winds were carrying around bits of dust and gravel with them, which, naturally, blinded Ayuno's sight. All he could see was brown dirt being thrown around him, like a sandstorm.

_"AGAIN!"_

_"AGAIN!"_

_"AGAIN!"_

This _wasn't_ working.

Ayuno's feet were being dragged backwards, drawn in by the storm. _"**AGAIN!**"_

But now there were noticeable dents in the wall of the castle, and quite a few cracks. They were weakening it, but...

"HERE!" Auron snatched out his katana and stabbed it at the wall, and, surprisingly...

_It went through it. _

The five of them grabbed a hold of the handle on the blade, and slowly exerted all their force to push it down through the wall, in order to slice a hole through it.

"HURRGHH!"

Auron, who was _still_, arguably, the strongest, seemed to be putting his whole _being_ into slicing a hole through the wall. With the others lending each of their strengths, a large chunk of the wall ended up being dropped to the ground and immediately carried away by the wind.

Auron climbed through the hole first, with seemingly almost no difficulty. And Cloud and Tidus next.

"GRAB ON!"

Rinoa grabbed on to Cloud's hand and was pulled through. But...the tornado was now gaining on him, and Ayuno was still quite vulnerable indeed. Blinded by the dust being blown about, he grabbed on to the edge of the hole in the wall. The tornado was now picking his feet up off the ground—

Held in place only by his clutching onto the wall, Ayuno blindly began to shove himself through to the inside of the castle. His hair moved about wildly behind him, also being drawn into the tornado—

"_YOU_ GRAB ON _TOO_, IDIOT!" Tidus boomed, shoving his hand out. Ayuno let go the wall with one hand and groped around until—

Tidus grabbed his hand and pulled with all his might, working against the winds of nature, and flung Ayuno inside.

_"RUN!"_ Auron roared, tearing into the next room of the castle.

Ayuno, without bothering to take in any details of the room he had barged into, followed Auron through to another room, waited for the others to scramble in as well, and _"SLAM!"_-ed the door boisterously. He fell to the floor, exhausted, and panted like a dog.

Breathing hard, Cloud surveyed the area.

"We're in," he said.

"I... am going...to KILL you, Tidus!" Rinoa screeched, after they all had had a good twenty seconds of resting time. "It's _your_ fault we had to—!"

"_Shhhh_!"

Auron, who had shushed her, seemed to have been thinking deeply. Quietly, he said, "We've only just now gotten in to the castle; there are still other challenges we must face. The challenges to come will be _much_ harder than the last, because now the castle knows we've intruded. There will be no mercy. So we should keep our voices low, so that we don't attract any unnecessary attention."

Ayuno looked around, and raised his eyebrows: the room was completely empty. The walls were colorless, and there was no furniture or decoration anywhere in the room. "Er— Unnecessary attention from _what?_ This room is as empty as Tidus's _mind_."

Tidus tilted his head. "Duhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." His eyes were unfocused, and drool dropped from the corner of his mouth.

"_Emptier_, you mean," Rinoa corrected.

Auron harrumphed.

"What's wrong with him, _anyway_?" Ayuno asked, eyeing the strange 17-year-old. "He was never _that_ hideously stupid."

Cloud coughed loudly.

"No, I think he's right," Rinoa said. "Something's wrong." She paused ponderingly. "Could it be... the disease kicking in?"

No one replied.

"Oh, god..." she continued. "Remember what Sorceress Quina said: 'first the disease affects you mentally... then it affects you physically...' And then you just flop over and die. We have to speak to Roland before the disease affects _all_ of us!"

"We're going to have to hurry this up," Ayuno concluded. "Quick! We have to go to the next floor."

"How?"

Without answering, he kicked down the door in the corner of the room, which led to a staircase. He went up the thing three steps at a time and emerged at the second story of the castle.

----

The others emerged a second after Ayuno, who was occupied taking in his surroundings. He was in a large, circular room with strange symbols lit up on the floor. This place seemed familiar... Had he been here before? Ayuno opened his mouth to mention it—

"Hi, kupo!" a voice exclaimed cheerfully out of nowhere.

He looked downward—and jumped. A small, peach-colored moogle with a red clown's nose was peering up at him, bouncing up and down energetically.

"Who the hell are you?" Cloud shot at it.

"I'm Pogo!"

Ayuno and Cloud exchanged glances, ready to kill the cheerful little thing.

"What do you want?" Cloud, who seemed not to be in a very good mood about just having been almost killed by a tornado, snapped.

"Awww... it's so CUTE!" Rinoa shrieked, while staring at the moogle with huge googly anime eyes. Before anyone could do anything about it, she bent down and glomped it.

"Shut up and let it say whatever it wants to tell us!" Tidus said, stopping Rinoa before she could bear-hug it to death. "Now, why are you here?" he asked Pogo.

"Well, I was actually sent here to kill you with this ridiculously huge chainsaw...but I'm too lazy. And you all seem very nice, kupo! So, I'll let you navigate past this room, and proceed to the third floor, where you'll find Roland!" Pogo leapt into the air joyfully and landed back on the ground.

"Wait, so, all we have to do is get past this room?" Tidus asked. "And then you'll let us see Roland?"

"Yep! If you _survive_..."

"But...what IS this place?" Ayuno asked suspiciously, as Rinoa randomly shrieked and glomped Pogo again.

"Oh, you've never played Final Fantasy X-2?" the moogle replied, tilting its head slightly to the left.

"..."

"Guess not! Well, this—is the 0th cloister in a place called the Via Infinito. You will each be assigned to one of five different Cloisters, where you will each have to complete a different mission to pass through. The missions are terribly hard and annoying, though, so you might want to—"

"We have to do MISSIONS?" Tidus barked. "Like, see who can survive in a room with a Mega Tonberry the longest, without flopping over dead?"

"Something like that!" the moogle exclaimed excitedly, as if it couldn't wait to see the five of them get murdered unpleasantly by 20-foot-tall monsters carrying lanterns.

"What, are you trying to KILL US?"

"You know, if I wanted to _kill_ you, I would've just flung you into the 101st Cloister and locked you in with Trema, the old moldy man with 999,999 HP."

"... Good point," Ayuno shuddered.

"So, are you goners ready, kupo?" Pogo asked, beaming and performing a somersault in the air to entertain Rinoa, who clapped girlishly.

Ayuno raised his eyebrows at the others: Auron, Cloud, and Tidus shrugged; Rinoa merely giggled. "I guess that's a yes," he muttered.

"Good then! Bye-bye, everyone!"

There was a fleeting wave from Pogo and a blinding flash—and the five different "heroes" materialized in five separate Cloisters, far, far, away from one another...


	4. The Via Infinito, and Ranklesteinburg

Auron silently took in his surroundings.

As far as he could tell he was in what looked like a small maze, with two or three corridors meeting each other in different intersections. _I can't delay here. We must move on to talk to Roland the Creator..._

_Let's get this over with..._

Wary of what kind of thing would attempt to kill him in this Cloister, the warrior stepped forward. Nothing happened.

_Good._

Slowly gaining a bit more confidence in the place, he carefully walked to the closest intersection and peered around the corner. There was nothing. Still wary, he walked to the other side of the corridor and peered around the other corner as well. Nothing there, either.

Suspiciously moving as quietly as possible, the warrior took a sharp right, ran to the end of the hall, and stopped.

Auron's eyes widened: there was something over there, to the left. A huge, red, dragon-like, scaly fiend, breathing in and out rather loudly... _Maybe it will be best not to go that way..._

Turning back, Auron silently crept forward—and his foot caught a rock on the floor, and he stumbled. "Who the _hell_ put a _rock_ there?" he muttered angrily.

But suddenly, he stopped: there was a growl coming from the ugly red monster he had just attempted to avoid. And—what the hell? Why could he sense that the dragon had heard him stumble, and was now running toward him to kill him with a violent and merciless murder?

The monster emerged from around the corner and rolled its eyes.

"Because I _am_, you idiot," it snapped.

"...damn."

Auron blinked, waved at it—and tore away.

"Hey, you luscious hunk of man!" the dragon whined femininely. "Wait _up_!"

Auron's expression greatly resembled a "o.O"; however, he didn't dare slow down or turn back (or ask why it was that the dragon could speak English). Instead, he merely continued sprinting ahead until another intersection loomed into view.

With a sudden burst of speed the warrior shot ahead and took a left.

"No!" the dragon moaned. "Come back, my exquisitely divine _chap! _Omigod, omigod, omi_god,_ I never had a chance to do my nails this morning! Ugh! Now, TO THE HIILLS!" And with that, the dragon galloped away merrily to frolic in the meadows.

"What—the—hell..." Auron muttered, shaking his head pityingly. _Fiends these days..._

He ambled forward and made a turn at the next intersection of corridors, and there, he saw immediately, was a glyph on the floor leading to an exit.

And, he also saw immediately, a Tonberry just happened to be coincidentally standing right on top of it.

_Coincidentally, _he internally muttered in a quite sarcastic tone. "Well, let's get this over with."

He strode up to the Tonberry and stopped a few yards ahead of it. The Tonberry merely waved. Auron, who was trying not to waste time, slowly drew out his katana and leapt forward, slashing it at the Tonberry's face.

The Tonberry waited for its turn, then took a single, lone step toward Auron, but did nothing else.

Auron waited for his ATB bar to fill up (he WAS in the Via Infinito, which was from_ Final Fantasy X-2_, so he had to obey the battle system of _Final Fantasy X-2_. He irritably remembered that he never had to deal with this stupid battle system back in his OWN game, _FFX_. Damn, _FFX-2_ sucked...) and then swung his sword at the fiend again.

The Tonberry took another lone step toward him. Auron waited again for the ATB bar to fill up, and then swung yet again. The Tonberry took another lone step toward him. Auron waited, and swung. The Tonberry stepped forward. Auron waited and swung. The Tonberry stepped forward. Auron waited and swung.

This process continued for about three hours, after which time an exasperated Auron cried, "FORGET THE STUPID ATB SYSTEM, I'M KICKING YOUR ASS _NOW_," and dove forward, slashing at the Tonberry's face over and over again and kicking it where the sun don't shine. He stabbed at it over and over again, and picked up the Tonberry and chucked him bodily into a wall. Then, Auron ran forward and rammed into it. Hard.

There was a cloud of dust surrounding the Tonberry when Auron was done. Slowly the dusty air cleared, and Auron, who had expected the Tonberry to be dead, cold, and lifeless, gaped as the Tonberry reappeared, perfectly fine.

The Tonberry blinked at him innocently.

Then, it took one more step closer to Auron—and this time, it ended up right in front of him. Slowly and disturbingly, the Tonberry took out his small little dagger, held it up to Auron's face with two hands, and—

"NO! Leave my boyfriend alone, you boyfriend-stealing little whore! Ugh! How _rude_ of you, Tonberry! And to think I slept with you last week! You man-whore!"

Auron, who wished the Tonberry had just killed him _now_, growled angrily. Did that ugly dragon have to come _just_ at this moment?

"Don't worry, my boyfriend! I'm saving you!" the dragon screamed. It galloped forward, picked up the Tonberry from the ground, and—

_RRRRRIPPP._

Auron stared in utter horror at the dragon, who was now clutching the Tonberry's body in one hand and the Tonberry's head in the other.

"I told you I'd save you! NOW WE CAN MAKE LOVE!"

Auron scrambled away and hurriedly touched the glyph on the floor. _Hurry up, and get me the hell out of here!_

"NO! MY MAIN SQUEEZE! WHERE ARE YOU GOING? COME BAAAAAAAAAAAACK!"

But Auron was already gone.

----

Rinoa, who was in a whole _different_ Cloister, looked around the place.

"This is an open _field_... _This_ isn't a Cloister, is it?" she mumbled to herself confusedly.

And, indeed, the area was in the shape and form of an open field, she realized. But Pogo had probably cast some kind of strange magic on the place to make it look like an open field, instead of just a regular Cloister.

Bemused, the woman walked around a bit, observing things as she went. There was small airplane-ish machinery sitting far away in one corner of the massive field, and in the center of the field was apparently some sort of Travel Agency or something. Several people were standing around the field looking like they had nothing to do with their lives, and along with many of them were large yellow birds Rinoa immediately recognized as Chocobos. What was this place? She'd never been here before.

And then, as if just on cue, a large welcoming sign materialized directly in front of her, flashing the words "_Welcome to the Calm Lands!_" in front of her.

"So, _this_ is the Calm Lands," she said, interested. The Calm Lands were not from _her_ game, _Final Fantasy VIII_, so, naturally, she had no way to know of them.

A grinning woman on a chocobo trotted up to her.

"Hello there!" she said. "I saw that you seem to be a bit confused around here. Would you like a map, or a guide, or a chocobo?"

"Um..." Rinoa narrowed her eyes. "Well, I would like some information, more like. Such as, do you know how I can get out of here, and get to the next floor so I can talk with Roland the Creator?"

The Chocobo woman blinked. "Are you alright? _This is the Calm Lands_; there _is_ no next floor. The only exit out of here leads to Mt. Gagazet..." The woman brightened. "But, I _did_ find _this_ a few minutes ago..." She held up a strange-looking object with a glyph on its front side. "Is this what you're looking for?"

Rinoa thought. She knew she didn't want to go to Mt. Gagazet; she merely wanted to get out of here so she could proceed to see Roland. _So, in order to navigate through this "Cloister", _she thought, _I'm going to have to probably touch some sort of magic glyph or something, like what they do in _Final Fantasy X

"Yep, that's what I'm looking for!" she said, reaching out to grab it.

"Ah, but not so fast. In order to obtain _this_ from me, you're going to have to beat me in a chocobo race, and get a score of 0:0.0. See those balloons? If you hit those, they take away three seconds from your final time. And if a bird hits you, they _add_ three seconds to your final time AND they stun you for approximately 1.8 seconds. Got it? Now, the finish line is all the way at the end of the Calm Lands, _and_ I get to start three feet ahead of you."

Rinoa stared at her. "No! That's not fair!"

"Of _course_ it's not! But the Chocobo Catcher race has _always_ been this way! Just ask anyone who's played Final Fantasy X. Now, get on that chocobo over there. Good. Ready—

"—set—

"—GO!"

Reluctantly, Rinoa and the Chocobo Woman set off.

They started off at the ramp at the top of the Calm Lands. _Oh, look! Four balloons! _Rinoa shouted internally. _Hurry up, chocobo! Let's get them before the Chocobo Woman—_

"Move, _bitch_!" the Chocobo Woman screeched, butting Rinoa out of the way and getting all four balloons to herself.

_Well, okay...we'll try again... _Rinoa turned a sharp corner at the end of the ramp and saw a batch of balloons in front of her, as well as a flock of angry birds coming her way. _Hurry! Get the balloons before the birds come!_ she thought.

She collected four balloons before one of the birds smacked into her rudely and "accidentally" popped three of them. "NO! My balloons!" she cried, and immediately, before she could recover from the first hit, _another_ bird smacked into her. And then, before she could recover from _that_, _another_ bird smacked into her. And another. And another.

_Damn it! _She angrily moved on, avoiding two more birds. _Look! More balloons! Quick, get them, chocobo!_

But just at that precise moment, the chocobo ran off track to urine in the grass, and by the time it finished, the damn Chocobo Woman had already collected the balloons.

"QUICK!" Rinoa screamed at her chocobo. "RUUNN, FORREST, RUUNN!"

The chocobo yawned. Then, lazily, it galloped ahead, got smacked by an average of 43 more birds, peed again, collected one balloon, and caught up with the Chocobo Woman just before the end of the finish line.

"Give me those, _bitch_!" the Chocobo Woman shrieked, snatching two balloons out of Rinoa's hand and getting to the finish line before her.

Both of the women dismounted off their chocobos, and compared their collected balloons and number of hit birds.

"_Don't give up! Someday you'll hold the record!_" the Chocobo Bitch exclaimed cheerfully. "One more time!"

"NO."

Rinoa slapped the Bitch across the face, cast Thundaga on her chocobo, snatched the glyph away from her, and irately touched the glyph just in time to give the Chocobo Hoe a quite unpleasant gesture with one of her fingers. A second later, she disappeared, but not before her lingering voice could be heard by the Chocobo Whore:

"After I save Muse Land from destruction, I _swear_ I'm going to play Ayuno's _Final Fantasy X_ game to kick your behind..."

----

Tidus, who was in a different Cloister, looked left and right. "Hey, I remember this place!" he exclaimed. "This is the boat I went to! The... S.S. Winno!"

And indeed it was. He, apparently, was in a Cloister that was magically set to look like it was from _Final Fantasy X. _Tidus walked around, determined not to spend a lot of time here. He could already feel the disease starting to kick in...

Walking to the back of the ship, and wondering what he would have to do to leave this place and get to the top floor to talk to Roland, Tidus spotted a lone blitzball sitting in the center of an open space. "Oh, hello, blitzy..." he said to it.

He picked it up. And threw it in the air a couple of times.

Then, a little note popped up magically in the air, which read:

_The Jecht Shot Challenge:_

_Memories of that day still haunt Tidus and interfere with his concentration. Try to shake off the memories and successfully perform the Jecht Shot! _

Tidus raised his eyebrows.

"Uh...okaayy... I guess..." Shrugging, he thrust the blitzball high in the air, and leaped up to meet it in midair.

_You can't do it, kid! _a mysterious voice laughed annoyingly, out of nowhere.

Tidus was doing all sorts of tricks and such with the ball.

_No one else can do it but me, kid!_

Tidus had the ball spinning on his nose.

_Only me, my boy. I'm the best!_

Tidus kicked the ball higher into the air.

_Don't mess up, don't mess up..._

Tidus was just about to boot the ball into the ocean, thus successfully performing the shot, when—

_LOOK! A HOT GIRL BENDING OVER!_

_"WHERE!" _Tidus's head whipped around to fast his neck cracked.

The blitzball smacked him on the forehead, and Tidus fell dramatically to the floor. "You bastard! You distracted me!" he cried at the mysterious voice.

_Well, what do you expect? I'm supposed to _support _you? Ha!_

"Well, yeah! Why not?"

_Because, Tidus... _A shadowy figure loomed into view, and began to walk up to him. _I am your father._

Taking off his mask, the figure appeared to be—Darth Vader.

"What the hell?" Tidus boomed. "Wrong movie."

_Oh, sorry. _The figure disappeared in a wisp of smoke, leaving a plot hole in its wake.

"..." Tidus blinked a couple of times. "Well, _this_ was stupidly corny," he said, and then he shrugged and dove headfirst into the plot hole.

----

While all _that _crap was going on, _Cloud_ was actually doing something that made _sense_, in his Cloister: he and a pretty, skinny, blond woman he had met earlier, were walking to a place called the Fire Cavern. He had no clue what the Fire Cavern was, however, except that a hot girl had volunteered to take him there and "test him on some..._things_." And that was all he needed to know, before he hastily accepted.

He and the woman came to the entrance of the cavern, and stopped.

There were two strange-looking men in robes guarding its entrance. One of them stepped forward and said, "Objective: To obtain a low-level GF. A SeeD member must support. Are you ready?"

Cloud looked around and then realized _he_ was the one being spoken to. "Oh. Whatever."

"I'm his support. Instructor Number Fourteen, Quistis Trepe," the woman beside him said officially, flipping her hair.

"Select a time limit. Choose one suited to your abilities," the guard continued, addressing Cloud. "Challenging...yet reasonable. Ten minutes, twenty minutes, thirty minutes, or forty—"

"...thirty seconds," Cloud said shortly.

"Thirty seconds? That's not one of the choices! You have to choose between 10 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes, or—"

"I _said_, thirty...seconds," he repeated sharply, grabbing the guard by the collar and chucking him light-years into the air, resulting in the guard landing on top of Balamb Garden and falling through its roof, which consequentially and coincidentally caused the whole building to collapse violently on top of Seifer, Raijin, and Fujin. "You got a problem with that?" Cloud asked the other guard threateningly, who quickly shook his head.

"N-no, sir. Good luck!"

Quistis nodded. "You ready?"

"Whatever."

"You have thirty seconds," the guard said, "to get in the cavern, find Ifrit, defeat it in battle, quickly sprint back to the cavern's entrance, and make out hornily with Quistis."

"What was that last one?" Quistis questioned warily.

"Quickly sprint back to the cavern's entrance?" the guard said, and before Quistis could reply he said, "Now, your time starts... _Now!"_

Cloud shot off at a sprint, with Quistis struggling to keeping up with him. They rounded a corner, avoided all random battles possible, and did not dare to slow down their pace. "You know," Quistis huffed, "the boys often choke on this test when I come with them. I guess my charm makes them nervous!"

Cloud coughed loudly.

"Ugh! I'm just kidding! Just trying to keep you relaxed, that's all."

Cloud eyeballed her, but said nothing. Nineteen seconds left.

Suddenly, a large demonic bear-like creature materialized from nowhere and breathed in Cloud's and Quistis's faces rudely. Just as rudely, Cloud and Quistis breathed right back at it. The two horrifying odors met, and there was a large explosion of gases.

A second later, the demonic creature roared angrily. A label appeared over its head that read "Ifrit."

"Are we supposed to be attacking it?" Quistis asked stupidly, and in a very OOC manner, since _she_ was supposed to be the instructor here.

The letters "Ifrit" disappeared from the label, and the new words "Well, duh, you idiot," replaced them.

"Let's defeat it!" Cloud yelled at her.

"Ohhhhhh, okay, I get it!" The OOC version of Quistis giggled, taking out a mirror from her purse. "One sec, I need to put more lip gloss on..." As she took out a small tube from seemingly nowhere, Cloud turned away and realized his shoe was untied, completely oblivious to the fact that they only had ten seconds left.

"Much better!" OOC Quistis giggled, and then snorted. "Now I just need some more eyeliner, and then I'll be..." There was a rustle in the bushes behind her, and two hands suddenly grabbed her by the ankles and dragged her into the bushes, where the sound of a group of people violently beating her up could be heard. "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Seconds later, a group of pleased fangirls emerged, leaving OOC Quistis tied up to the bushes behind them.

Cloud, who hadn't noticed a thing, sprang forward and stabbed his immensely huge sword at Ifrit. Ifrit, who appeared to be quite pissed off at this point, grabbed Cloud by the foot, picked him off the ground, and slammed him into a wall.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" the fangirls cried, screaming and sprinting forward to bitch-slap Ifrit and dig their nails into his skin.

Cloud raised one eyebrow and watched in amusement, ignoring the fact that there were now only five seconds left.

Ifrit roared painfully, still in the process of being beat to death by the angry fangirls. One of the fangirls, however, let all the others do all the work, and ran forward to tackle Cloud to the ground, rip off his clothes, and get something from him that she evidently believed she deserved.

"NO!" Cloud screamed, shoving her off of him.

But by this time the other fanbitches and fanwhores had caught on to what was going on behind their backs, and they suddenly abandoned Ifrit and dived on top of Cloud as well. Cloud bellowed in protest, AND—

The screen went black and the next thing he new, he was staring at an empty display of nothing. He watched as the word _G A M E O V E R _appeared in the middle of the screen, and sad, dreadful music played in the background.

Shrugging carelessly, the former SOLDIER walked into the middle of the screen, sighted a green, glowing glyph, and touched it. Immediately he dematerialized.

----

Ayuno was in the _last_—thank god—Cloister. Hopefully his Cloister would not be quite as... strange as the others' Cloisters.

He appeared to be in some sort of—medieval arena. _Does this mean I'm going to have to fight something?_ he asked himself, regretting that he already knew the answer.

There was an enormous crowd of excited and anxious random people who were screaming and cheering, up in the stands.

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the world's 31st annual Tri-Battle Killing Tournament!" a short, bald man standing in the middle of the arena boomed, speaking into a microphone. "People from all over the world have come to witness the blood and gore and violence that is...this tournament!"

The audience cheered like a bunch of mindless idiotic fools.

Ayuno looked around and observed the place more closely: The people in the stands did not exactly look like normal people... Many of them had long, narrow eyeballs with unnaturally large and sparkling pupils. Others had small, pointed, triangular noses with no nostrils, and plenty of them had large, widened mouths in which three apples could easily fit. As they cheered, their eyes formed into semi-ovals at the top, and they cheered with much more excitement than any other crowd Ayuno had seen before.

_This isn't a _medieval_ tournament... _he realized, _this is... an _anime_ tournament!_

"I am Krillin, your announcer and host! Don't ask what happened to the _old_­ announcer/host; he broke his neck or something. Anywho, the first round will be between Ayuno, this random guy who nobody has ever really heard of before—" Krillin, who now seemed quite familiar, pointed to Ayuno, and the crowd cheered mindlessly. "—and Samara, someone who you never want to meet personally."

A small little girl with a halfway decaying face whose body was completely stale and covered in mold, and who was carrying a weighty chainsaw, grinned and waved to the crowd. However, the girl did not look quite as horrendously hideous as she otherwise would have if she were not animated and in a Japanese anime show. Vaguely Ayuno wondered what he himself looked like, in his anime version.

"The winner of this round continues to Round 2, the winner of which continues into Round 3, and so on, until they either implode unceremoniously or win against Round 5. Everyone excited?"

Every single person in the crowd screamed excitedly, except for a man who said, at the top of his lungs, "NO."

Everyone glared at him. Krillin angrily produced two energy disks from both of his hands and flung them at the man, who was immediately sliced in three.

"Anyone else?" Krillin asked, eyeing the crowd.

No one moved.

"Good! Let—the battle—BEGIN!"

_----_

Ayuno watched as Krillin left the stage to sit with Android 18 and his daughter, as well as several other recognizable anime characters, and some unrecognizable ones. As Krillin sat, he waved to a boy in the front row with blond, spiky hair, an unusual headband, and something that looked strangely like whiskers on his cheeks, who waved excitedly back.

"Naruto, turn around, you're embarrassing me..." muttered a pink-haired girl sitting beside the boy. Ayuno stared in horror as a dark-colored, shadowy figure that had the exact same features as the girl, emerged from the girl's body, howled, "WHY DID I HAVE TO SIT WITH NARUTO? I _WANTED_ SASUKE!" and then disappeared.

Across from them was yet another unusual group of people. A boy with long, white hair extending down his back had his arms folded irritably, as a girl dressed in a green skirt attempted to poke his massive sword.

"Hmmm..." the girl said. "You know, Inuyasha, up close, that sword is larger than I thought...! Would you mind if I just—"

"NO."

And somewhere close to them was a boy who was seemingly sitting alone, but had a small bunny perched on his shoulder. "Look, Ai," the bunny stated bluntly. "I suggest you watch the tournament closely and pick up some things... because you suck like hell at martial arts. Your psychic aura is good—but BOY do you need some work at fighting."

"Hey, that's not true, Master Boo!" the boy named Ai replied, blushing and producing multiple sweat-drops at once.

Ayuno raised his eyebrows at all of these familiar anime characters, but did not have the chance to observe the arena any longer, for Samara was now approaching him, holding up her chainsaw, ready to attack. The crowd cheered in delight, excited that the battle had finally begun. Ayuno raised his fists, ready to beat the hell out of the creepy little moldy girl, as she slowly continued to approach.

Then she stopped.

"Hold on, let me plug in my chainsaw..." she mumbled, looking for an outlet.

The crowd immediately stopped its cheering and gaped at the little girl as she frantically searched the place for an electric outlet in which to plug her deadly weapon.

_...idiot. _Ayuno took this chance to kill her off. Jumping high in the air in an anime-like fashion, he cried, "_Nuclear... Kick!" _and soared downward, smacking his foot against Samara's face.

But Samara did not look injured at all. Instead of wincing, Samara slowly and angrily rotated her head about 180 degrees until it faced Ayuno. Then—she grinned maliciously. She jumped into the air, held her hands at her side, and bellowed, _"Ka...me...ha...me...HA!" _And a blue energy beam emerged from her hands and shot toward Ayuno.

Ayuno, thinking quickly, shouted, "_Mirror Attack!"_ and abruptly, a mirror materialized in his hands. He held up the mirror to the Kamehameha Wave, and—

The energy beam bounced back and shot back toward Samara, who screamed a bloodcurdling scream and went "KABOOM!"

Bits and pieces of her hideous body flew everywhere. Samara's chainsaw ended up being blown into the air by the massive explosion; someone in the crowd jumped up and caught it excitedly in midair as if it were bouquet of flowers at a wedding.

Then, Krillin ran into the middle of the arena and cried out, "_We have a winner! _Ayuno advances to the second round!" He walked up to Ayuno and handed him a boxlike object with a glyph on its front. "You receive this prize for winning the first round. Good job!"

_A glyph? _Ayuno pondered, squinting at the object. _Looks like it's time to go..._

"Aren't you excited at all?" Krillin asked.

"Oh... um... yeah!" Ayuno then left Krillin and everyone else quite confused, as he touched the glyph and vanished.

There was silence, and people in the crowd blinked confusedly multiple times.

Then, the pink-haired girl next to Naruto cried, "Damn it, Naruto, you scared him off! And he was _hot_ too!"

Naruto scowled at her.

---------------------------------------------------

Auron, Ayuno, Rinoa, Cloud, and Tidus all stood in a white room.

"Erm... what just happened?" Tidus asked. "Did you guys just come back from your Cloisters too?"

"...yep," replied everyone in unison.

"I think mine was the best," Tidus continued. "I got to relive the days of Yuna's pilgrimage! Back in Spira, on the S.S. Winno—"

"Do we have time for this?" Rinoa interrupted. "We still have to stop the plague. I'm guessing Roland the Creator is in the next room..." She pointed ahead, at a door. "Should we go through?"

There was silence for a moment. Then, Ayuno said, "Shouldn't we plan out what we're going to say to him to make him believe that actually come up with a cure for the disease? We can't just go out there and look like idiots..."

"Why not?" Tidus asked.

The other four stared at him.

"_You'd_ look like an idiot no matter _how_ much planning we do," Cloud muttered.

"There's no time." Auron strode ahead. "We don't have time to plan, _or_ argue. _Come_." He placed his hand on the doorknob. "We must convince Roland that we've found a cure...or this world will die. And _us_ along _with_ it. This is the moment...that will shape our fate." He turned the knob and opened the door.

Then he froze.

"What is it, Auron?" Rinoa asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I've just realized... we have a problem. You see, if we talk to Roland, we could severely alter our lives back on Earth, or on Muse Land. Roland has the power to make _anything_ come true, right? So he might unintentionally use his imagination to make the situation worse than before. Interacting with Roland the Creator could be dangerous."

Ayuno nodded; Auron was most certainly right. If they said the wrong thing to Roland, Roland might end up worsening things with his imagination. They couldn't have that. "You're right..."

Tidus brightened. "I have an idea! I can check on Earth, to make sure nothing bad happens to it while the rest of you are with Roland! And...I'll check on the rest of Muse Land too!"

"Good." Auron nodded. "While we're with Roland, make sure _nothing_ bad happens... And if it does, come back here immediately and warn us, before we leave from this castle. If it _doesn't_, just meet us back at the entrance to Muse Land, in ten minutes. Understand?"

Tidus nodded. "Yep!" And with that, he vanished.

Ayuno walked nervously into the next room.

_- - -_

The room was nothing but a blank, white space with blank, white walls and a blank, white ceiling, along with a blank, white floor. Ayuno felt like he was floating in a void of nothingness. But then, he looked up—and saw a middle-aged man lying in a bed, sick.

Apparently, this was Roland's room.

Roland appeared to be a 50-or-so year old man with a balding scalp and wide, frightened eyes. Nothing else could be seen of him, for he was holding the covers all the way up to his mouth, as though he was far too frightened to show his face. Ayuno looked him up and down, startled: he had thought Roland would look... more special than this. And his room? Ayuno could hardly imagine having to _live_ in a place so empty.

"Wh- Who are you all? And how did you get past Pogo and the tornado?" the Creator croaked weakly.

Ayuno saw almost immediately that he was going to have to do most of the talking here, for his Muses were merely staring at Roland as if he were a highly amusing television show.

"Well, we kind of...had to...erm..." He decided to start at another angle. "Well, I'm Ayuno, and this is...Auron, Rinoa, and Cloud." As he spoke, he gestured to each of his Muses, who each smiled as their name was spoken. "We, um... Well...we're here to...um..."

Roland was not pleased.

"Did you have a _reason_ for breaking into my castle?"

Ayuno gulped. "Well, we're pretty sure we've found a _cure_ to the disease that you—and everyone else in Muse Land—have."

Roland's face brightened dramatically, and he suddenly sounded as if he had gained new energy. His voice no longer sounded weak, and he certainly no longer seemed as angry as before. "You _have_? _Really?_ How?"

"Well...uh..." Ayuno hastened to think of something. _All I have to do is lie, and make him _believe _we've found a cure. Then, he'll be cured, and so will the rest of Muse Land... _"Well, er... scientists from Earth have discovered this new...thing...that just _happens_ to be a cure to the disease you have!"

His Muses glared at him with a "you _idiot!_" look.

"...you lie." Roland narrowed his eyes at him.

"No, no, really!"

Roland's eyes were now so narrow that they looked like slits. "Those scientists are unbelievably foolish; there is nothing on Earth that can heal this disease!" He coughed a multitude of times, and sneezed two or three times. Apparently, this guy really _was_ sick...

"Oh, but this cure _isn't_ from Earth!" Rinoa quickly added.

"_It's not?"_ Ayuno, Auron, and Cloud repeated incredulously.

Roland shook his head. "That can't be true."

"It is, it is!" she said. Ayuno got the impression that she was thinking very, very fast. "You see, there was a—meteor. Yeah, a meteor struck the planet Earth, and from that meteor, scientists extracted an undiscovered substance! And...as it turns out, this substance has now been proven to heal your disease. The substance has been called...er...the Ranklesteinburg Element."

"The WHO?" everyone in the room cried out. _Surely she could've come up with a better name than that... _Ayuno muttered internally.

"...the...Ranklestein...burg... Element?"

"And what have they called my _disease_?" the Creator wanted to know.

"... they've named it... Ranklesteinburg," Rinoa answered without delay. "You see, Ranklesteinburg is the name of the _disease_, and the Ranklesteinburg _Element_ is the name of its cure. It's...quite simple."

Ayuno shook his head. _We're doomed..._

"Hmm... Maybe it _could_..." Roland considered it—then shook his head. "Nah. I've had this disease for too long now... I can't be cured. It's too late for me."

Rinoa seemed to be unable to think of anything else to say, so, quickly, Cloud stepped in. "Of course you can, you _fool_. It cures _everyone_! It...already _cured_ everyone else in Muse Land!" he lied.

"It _did_?"

"It did."

_What is he _saying? Ayuno thought. _It hasn't cured anyone! We only— _But then he realized that if the Creator Roland truly believed that the cure had already healed everyone else in Muse Land, his imagination would make it come true. _And then...everyone in Muse Land would be cured already...!_

"But..." Roland sighed. "I was the _first_ person to obtain the Ranklesteinburg disease...so that means it's probably too late for me. I'm going to die."

"Of course not." Auron strode forward and looked Roland in the eye. "Look. There are people on Earth who have gotten the disease before _you_ have. The...Ranklesteinburg Element... has cured all of them. It has been scientifically proven to heal the Ranklesteinburg disease every time."

"Then... where _is_ it?" Roland said.

There was a pause.

"... where is _what_?"

"_Where is my cure! _The Ranklesteinburg Element! You _did_ bring it _with_ you, didn't you?"

"Oh, yes, of course we did!" Ayuno said hastily. He quickly dug in his pockets and felt around for something—anything—to give to Roland. He came up with—two pieces of lint, and a paperclip.

"Er... this is it! Right...here! Behold—the Ranklesteinburg Element!" he cried, thrusting out one of the pieces of lint.

Roland blinked, and stared at him, as though trying to decide whether he was joking or not. "...Ayuno? That's a piece of lint."

"N- No, it's the Ranklesteinburg Element. It's just, they've disguised it as a piece of lint, to fool people who would steal it and use it for their own purposes."

"Oh!" Roland took the lint. "What do I do with it?"

"Um... you...eat it."

"No! I'm not eating this! And—" the Creator's eyes bulged dramatically. "Oh, dear... Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear."

"What is it, Creator?" Rinoa asked.

"Well... didn't you say that a meteor hit the Earth?" he said.

"Yeah... Where _else_ would the cure to your disease have come from? Of _course_ a meteor hit the Earth! Well, I mean, it was a really really _tiny_ meteor, so it didn't do any damage or anything—"

"_But you don't understand? Scientists believe...that if another meteor hits Planet Earth, it could cause another Ice Age!"_

Ayuno exchanged glances with the others—and broke out laughing. " _That's_ what you're so worried about? No, don't worry, the meteor was really small. Everything's fine on Earth—"

"NO, IT'S NOT! THEY SAY THAT A METEOR _WILL _CAUSE ANOTHER ICE AGE, I'M TELLING YOU! It's _proven!_"

"Hey, calm down, old man..."

_**"AN ICE AGE!"**_

"...THAT'S _IT_." Ayuno, who was growing more and more impatient, angrily shoved the piece of lint down the Creator's throat.

The Creator choked for a moment, and then swallowed the thing. "There, now you're cured," Ayuno said. "It ... may take a moment for the healing to kick in." He and his Muses waited anxiously to see if the fake "cure" actually worked on the Creator. If it didn't... Ayuno gulped. He hoped he had really convinced Roland that it would truly work. Because, if not—

Roland blinked a couple of times. Then—

"I...I feel..."

"Yes...?"

"...I feel... _Better!_"

"YES! It worked!" Ayuno pumped a fist triumphantly in the air. "We're saved!" The Creator stared at him questioningly. "Er—I mean—_you're saved!_"

"I knew we'd be alright," Auron said, smirking. "Now...we must leave before we make anything go wrong," he muttered low enough for only Ayuno and the other Muses to hear. They nodded in agreement.

"How can I repay you—?" Roland asked. But they were already gone. "Er..."

---------------------------------

Tidus was waiting for them at the entrance to Muse Land, like planned. "Well? How'd it go?" he said.

"It worked!" Rinoa giggled, grinning excitedly. "...I feel all... heroine-like."

"Me too," Cloud said.

Rinoa glanced at him. "... Heroines are _females_."

Cloud shrugged.

"Did any changes happen to Earth or Muse Land while we were with Roland?" Auron asked sharply, speaking to Tidus, who shook his head and said, "Nah. All's good. I made _sure_ of it."

"Good."

Ayuno smiled. Then, Tidus said, "So, I guess this means _I_ win the bet?"

This question resulted in Ayuno, Auron, Riona, and Cloud falling over and sweat-dropping several times at once. However, they quickly recovered, and Ayuno cried, "You're _still_ thinking about that stupid _bet_ we made? That's all you've been thinking about, isn't it?"

"...pretty much."

Rinoa slapped him across the face. "Fool! _No one wins the bet!_ The bet was automatically called off when we realized that fate of Muse Land was in danger!"

"It _was?_ Awww _man_!" Tidus pouted.

But before he could whine annoyingly, Auron cut in, "Look, let's just get back to Earth. We shouldn't dawdle here any longer." And Ayuno agreed. Auron made a gesture and the yellow door from before popped out from nowhere.

"Are you going to go in willingly this time, or am I going to have to kick you in again?" he asked.

"I'll go willingly, thanks," Ayuno grumbled, and reentered Earth, closely followed by the others

_- - -_

But something was wrong.

He emerged in front of his house, which, strangely, was...covered in snow... And so was the lawn in front of it. And all the streets. And the trees. In fact, Ayuno realized, everything in _sight_ was buried under no less than _five feet_ of snow. And in some areas, the snow was even _higher_ up than that—up to what looked horribly like _ten to eleven_ feet of snow.

The snow surrounding him was luckily only up to his neck. He attempted to scrape the ground with his feet, but then he realized that the ground was covered in a thick sheet of ice. And, what was worse, the snow was _still_ falling down very rapidly, carried by the wind, and smacking him in the face—along with enormous bits of hail beating down on him. What _was_ this?

"Oh my _God_..." Rinoa gasped, slowly placing her hand to her gaping mouth.

Ayuno gawked, feeling his stomach churn horribly. "What—what's happened here?" he said loudly, starting to get a horrific realization that he could not bear to come to terms with.

"...What the f—" Cloud began.

His eyes widened; he looked over to Auron. "Auron... What..._is_ this?" he muttered in a severely low voice.

Auron's eyes darted across the scenery several times, as if taking in all the details, before he answered. Slowly, gravely, and darkly, he said—

"I fear...our confronting with Roland has...altered our own reality, here on Earth. In order to make him believe we found a true extraterrestrial cure for his disease, we told him that a tiny meteor from far in outer space had struck Earth... And...he believed it."

"Oh my god," Rinoa repeated, now understanding what Auron was trying to say. "And then... since Roland believed it..." She gulped, and could go no further.

"...it came true," Ayuno finished. "And Roland also believed that since a meteor had struck Earth, it would cause another Ice Age. And...since he believed _that_ too, it _also_ came true..." He felt his blood go cold as the full impact of what he and his Muses had done hit him:

_He had inadvertently caused a second Ice Age...just like Roland said he had._

Everyone he knew—his family, his friends—would all have been frozen in their homes by now, dead as a rootless tree. And _whose_ fault was it?

_Guess. Just guess, _he thought, as the glacial cold began to get to him, and he began to freeze. His _body_ was slowly freezing, that is, but his mind—was as clear as ever. _It's mine._

_Mine..._

But—

_Hold up._

Slowly, menacingly, warningly, with all the strength he could muster in his horrid blizzard, he turned to face Tidus, who had said _nothing_ all this time. "T-Tidus?" he asked, as his teeth quickly began to chatter, and his fingers and toes grew numb with what he knew was frostbite.

"...Y-y-yeah?" the young man replied. Ayuno could've sworn he saw Tidus sweating in an extraordinarily nervous manner, despite the absolutely bitter weather.

"D-didn't you say you would check to m-make sure n-n-nothing went wr-wrong, when we were talking t-to Roland the Cr-Creator?" he managed to say.

"Er... y-yeah..."

Hearing this, Rinoa, Auron, Cloud, and Ayuno all rounded on him, all knowing they were going to die within minutes in this cold—but apparently they were all too pissed to care.

"_Then wh-why d-didn't you t-t-tell us this would happen!_" Rinoa screeched.

"I—er—um—"

"WELL?" she urged.

"Y-YEAH," Ayuno barked furiously. "WH-WHAT THE HELL ARE W-WE GOING TO DO N-NOW? W-WE'RE ALL GOING TO D-DIE, B-BECAUSE OF _YOU!_"

"_W-WHAT DO YOU H-HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?"_

Tidus managed to smile sheepishly.

"...uh, plot hole?"

And with that, everyone blew up.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"NO!" Shadray, the _real_ author of this story, cried; this just wasn't working. "Sorry everyone, but this just isn't working out. We can't have everyone blow up!"

Darian, one of his _real_ Muses, frowned. "Why not? What better ending than everyone dying a horrible, fiery death?"

"Actually, there are a lot better endings," Rianna, another one of his _real_ Muses stated, rolling her eyes at him. "Like people living, for instance?"

Shadray growled, frustrated that his story was not going to work out the way he'd planned. He had written all that, with his Muses beside him, and now what? He was going to have to start all over again. Shadray crumbled the paper up in his fist and flicked it toward the trashcan in the corner of the room; it did not land inside the barrel, but instead fell short and landed somewhat in front of the can, among ten other crumpled up pieces of paper.

The paper that he had given life, given color to—was now dead, lifeless, along with all of the other failed attempts at a fantasy story.

…again.

_- - - - - - - - - - - - - -_


End file.
